no words

“I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep and there are no words for that.”
-Brian Andreas

I might just be the globes most committed advocate of body heat. There is nothing more peaceful than sharing someone else’s slumber, I believe. There is nothing more comforting than the feeling of someone’s breath on your neck, of burrowing into the warmth that he has surrounded himself with due to the stillness of sleep. It simplifies everything, quite like a blanket of fresh snow. When I find myself lonely, and desiring companionship, it is this feeling my mind is consumed with.

Sidebar: when did I become a cuddly, affectionate individual?

Recently I spent an unexpected weekend with one of my best friends and ‘first love’. Relaxed, it was like we never missed a beat. We spent the majority of the time sleeping, and I love the mutual understanding that we’d unite in a cocoon of personal warmth. We had always bonded over our appreciation for the simple things- for sleep, good food, books, words, truth. We might still disappear one day to an island (he prefers the country- ick) with nothing but our bodies, some homegrown food, and some books.

old news

It’s 2006 and I’m getting old. No, I don’t have a complex about being 23- I'm simply addressing being the opposite of young. We all set intangible goals for ourselves that fall between cracks and crevices of remembering, only to be tripped upon years later on a day when we aren’t on top of our game and our laces keep untying. So when I say old, I mean I am more acutely aware that I trip over those things more often (perhaps I’m getting too stiff to bend down and tie my shoe all the time, may want to consider the Velcro type). To combat the chronic stubbing of big toe, I have decided to start developing more calculated goals. Not calculated as in devious, moreso as in thought out. I am interested in perfecting the balance between my continuous need for dreaming and imagination with the encroaching persistence of reality, reason, and responsibility.
On the other hand, I must keep remembering how YOUNG I still am. I am always trying to do EVERYTHING I want, and before 25, so that I won’t have to wait so long. But when does the planning life in two year increments stop? What will I do if I ever have a family? That limits the selfish freedom to renew itself every couple of years. The task is to learn how to become excited and inspired by longer term planning. Why is it so difficult to answer the question “Write back 135 of your autobiography.” Or “Where do you see yourself in the next ten years?” WHAT, YOU MEAN 2016? I always thought the world would have ended by then…

what have you done with your life?

I’m getting bored with myself. Working full time will do that to you- even though you feel like you haven’t given enough during the day, being away for 8 hours is enough justification to come home and do nothing. Make half hazard meals and top off the glass of wine once more (to help you sleep soundly amidst the noisy night sounds of Harlem). Well frankly, I’ve had enough. I’ve been searching for a few things and slowing ticking off the boxes.

1) French and Arabic! Woohoo, I’m so excited to be studying language again. Starts in February. The Arabic, I’ll admit might prove too challenging for a full time employee with a life, but I am fascinated and think it could be the right kind of challenge.

2) Volunteering. So I’m interested in the arts, I’d really like to volunteer for an arts organization. I have begun reaching out to friends and contacts, and it looks promising for some kind of gig at a local museum.

3) Art. I nixed joining a book club, but have regained my love of reading. I go through phases where I can’t read another sentence, but gladly it’s come back on its own.

on crushes- just her imagination

Upon hello, I’d already built you up in my head.
Confirmed your proportions,
Knew your breath on my neck,
Traced traces of your tongue cross the
Small
Of my
Back.

Your sideways smile
Creeps the corner of your lip as
I sign the lease on our home.
Lots of light- cozy, earthen toned.
A small, open space to symbolize our closeness.
Just enough room for
your turntables and my easel. (We’ve always tolerated each other’s nontalent talents.)
And the Bed-

It keeps us doing all that matters, while getting nothing done.
A tub… records…papers- dogeared books all spilling over-
Wax remnants fill a windowsill beside a grayish, slinky cat.
You put the kettle on,
I draw the bath.
Shadows in crevices highlight
nude nooks and angles-
Special spaces you and I found
Together.
unending exploration.
involved conversation.
It wraps round my fingertips.

Suddenly “we” has dissipated in the air before me,
And I feel you searching my eyes.
I am burning there, suddenly shy and impossible-
Knowing
you are knowing all these
silly ideas I let my head run wild with.
In an instant, they are vapor-
And I, walking away, am beginning my careless
pretendings with the man
to
your
right.

dances with....crazy people?

i decided today that I am going to start taking dance soon. Well I am going to be teaching, so I may as well continue learning! Something to look forward to in December!





why am i always being featured dancing with crazy (typically older) men?

half on a baby

Babies are all around me. And you know I'm not one for babies. Toddlers, I can kick it with- they're so imaginative. I remember babysitting Sophie, with her crazy outfits and impressionist art. That's on my level. But helpless little fragile looking putty things never really interest me. I know my mind will change if I have my own, but that ain't no time soon. I dreamt that my dad's wife was pregnant, which is scary considering I'm the oldest of mannnnnnnnny siblings. I met Jordyn, a high school friend's wide eyed daughter. A very close friend is pregnant. My manager has a five month old. They're everywhere. The other day I had an ephiphany about my children's names. Why? Je ne sais pas, my dear. But where I previously only wanted little boys, my exciting names have given me a new interest in little girls (pron. gyouls, circa Annie, the Musical).
Here they are. DON'T STEAL THEM YOU FERTILE BLOG SNOOPERS.
roisin simone
stella rose (if there is no roisin involved)
zoe solenn
jade logan
phoebe vaughn

That's a lot of random broads! Luckily I have a number of years to par down the list and improve the selection. Maybe tonight I'll have a vision about the son and cat's name.

can i get a witness?

Azam found the site for James Nachtwey, an acclaimed photographer/witness of some of the most harrowing scenes of the past few decades. Disgustingly striking, his work is telling, with the ability to move many to action. Check him out

a clean slate

Glad to report that the computer has been repaired. All of the files have been removed and software reinstalled. It's actually quite nice to have a blank machine that I can proceed to overload like a brand new baby. I am still sad about the pictures, but these things happen...all too often.

Let the pirating begin.

ketch a vibe

Hello from here.
I hope this random note finds each of you well.

As you may know, I recently lost what feels like a part of me. It's
really sad, but that's how much I rely on my laptop. I know it's
wrong, so materialistic. At least I am willing to admit the depths
of my connection to my machine. I am a true addict and I will stand
here, unashamed.
All this hoopla is to introduce a simple request. Despite the NASTY
virus that has stolen all of the textual, photographic, and audible
evidence of my existence in the past two years, I have decided to
begin rebuilding. I'd love your help. The first step to a fully
functioning technological device is the soundtrack, right? I'd love
it if you could send me a list of any of the following via email:

Your current playlist
What you are playing RIGHT NOW
Artists to live by
What's stuck in your head?
Albums to live by
Current flames (music, get your mind outta the gutter)
All time favorites (favourites, now I'm really sucking up)
__(your name here)__ Recommends

Anything else that will inspire me to rebuild my music collection.
I'm doing it right this time, album by album.

This may have been an overdramatic email, and I realize it's
ridiculousness, especially at a time when there are natural disasters
devouring humanity while wars and corruption are taking lives at
nearly the same rate. However, sometimes the most important thing in
life is to just breathe. What's more, I'd really appreciate this
feedback for a few projects I'm toying with for dance and art. More on
that later.

YEAH. TAKE THAT VIRUS. VI-O-LATE NO MORE.

Ok guys, I'm done.

Oh yeah, I absolutely LOVE LOVE my new job, thanks! I miss all of you
who are not near.

Peace.

waiting on an idea...

i have the apt to myself at the moment, so i decided to take it back, blasting 'a rainy afternoon in Bow.' Sometimes I feel rather young, or perhaps impish when I think of the impact of a few people on my life. It's funny, because in reality, there are some people who 1) i have spent less than 24 hours of my life with and 2) have NO idea the significance of their presence is. It is these people who have truly impacted me for some inexplicible reason. I think it all comes down to timing and reception. You know, sometimes you look into the eyes of a stranger on the street and you feel a connection that brings tears to your eyes, and they haven't a clue. And that's ok, you know? The past six months were a particularly vulnerable time for me, for this or the other reason. Someone else's breathing patterns could move me, because that simple thing represented life...chance...i don't know. I felt like every person I had a conversation with touched me in some way, lol. I even had an intense crush on someone I would just chill with, in silence, saying and doing pretty much nothing. just sit there. And the sad thing is, I'd leave feeling full- satiated. Wait, where am I going with this? Anyway.

(photo- ian ralph, bbc photographer of the year 2005 contest)
Today was the first day of my new gig. I love it! While I didn't luck out with my own office, I have a cozy cube in a great location that's pretty private, but not exclusive. Perfect. I love my team, which is a huge reason I joined, and they are all so welcoming and friendly and excited to have me. It may be because they really need the help, but I'm going to go with the fact that I'm such a star...I also met some of the students, and they are more down to earth than I expected MBA kids to be. I'm really excited to get up to speed, but my team is all: "We'll ease you in." There's not a lot of stress, which I appreciate. The surprise of the day was when my manager came to my desk at 4:45 and said "Our office closes at 5, we operate on a 9-5 type schedule." Ok, this coming to the girl who was going to work at an ad agency?! With their unpredictable hours/weekends? I was glad to hear that. This gives me the time to do a million and one other things in my free time!! I can take French, or a dance class, but until then, my favorite pub is a block away and I won't miss the happy hour. (It's the simple things, you know?) There are all sorts of perks to working at NYU, but what's even more wonderful is how much I like the work. I feel like I've found a great way to use all of my skills, I won't get bored, there's room for growth, I have to think AND my creativity isn't stifled. Best of all, I can see the benefit of my efforts in people, not inanimate objects. I know it's only the first day, but I love knowing I took the right offer.

gasping for breath.

it's good to be back.
My baby, my love and substance- that's right, my laptop, currently has a virus so violent that I am unable to log into windows. The lovely computerman has told me that in order to make it work again I will lose all of my files. That's cool, I retorted- just all the evidence, both textual and photographic, of over a year in another country. an influential year of development. wiped out. sounds great, sign me up. While I am very sad to be losing all of these records, the time away has really revealed how materialistic I am (even though I think I'm sooo not.) Why am I so dependent on a machine? Why am I so trusting of something I can't even touch? Perhaps the ease and speed of it all got me ahead of myself, but I will be sure to be more cautious in the future. I will back the files up, and treat my handheld journal with a little more respect. In fact, I got a new pen this evening to console myself. It's not as sweet as the Pilot GTech C4, but it's a pretty close second. It has a .25mm tip.
The night before my computer died (last week) I wrote for the first time in a long time, with encouragement from two dear friends of mine. Finally I was able to connect the thoughts swimming around inside my brain with the emotions that were tugging my heart. I wrote down things that helped me understand a few blurry thoughts. For the past few months all of my thoughts, ideas, and actions have been murky, and I have been longing for a sense of pointedness, of purpose to inspire focus. That evening I started feeling a sense of clarity. Or at least the coming of it. Interestingly, this is happening at a time when all around me is preparing for the season of hibernation. My re-awakening has me feeling like springtime. Like growth and movement are soon to come. Well, I did always have to be different.

Still, there are unanswered questions and things that deserve more consideration. For now, let's take it one day at a time.

i.will.have.my.cake.and.eat.it.too.

i've been in the mood for cake since saturday, when i watched the 1st annual wedding cake making championship competition on the food network. the thing i respect about this competition is the passion and expertise that went into making these delectable masterpieces. i wondered if the designers/cooks would dare eat such an elaborate project. Many designs left me confused as to how you could even cut it! I think, were I a baker, half my joy would be in indulging into something that took so much work and patience.
today i accepted a new job, a real job- in the process of turning down several competitive offers. i am blessed to be in a position to choose, but this decision took more out of me than I could afford. I am indecisive. I prefer to walk the thin line of in-between and consideration rather than jump boldy on that side of the solid yellow line. today, i cracked down on that. i made the phone calls, said the script, and closed the chapter. i thought i would vomit afterwards, but i took a few deep breaths and the smile began crawling across my face. homebase, safe. remaining.
next chapter begins here.

back in a big way

actually it's a relatively small way- but i am, nonetheless, returned. after a less than thrilling homecoming weekend, I've made my way to new york after a one year, international hiatus. It feels like I never left. I quickly adapted my london oxford street- i'm.in.the.matrix.i.dare.you.to.try.and.stop.me. walk to my new york ehman,i'm.just.a.squirrel.tryin.a.get.a.nut. mean streets saunter. I also quickly remembered that as a female, just to get down the street you have to play deaf. deaf and dumb. There are a few changes I've noticed, but the biggest ones are my own.
First haircut! Hair has never been above my shoulders, probably not even the day I was born. I liked it on Friday when I chopped it, but am now bored with it. Also, wearing the dress clothes (loads of interviews) makes me feel like such a grown up. It's all a facade, je promettre.
Ability to communicate effectively has returned, which is a relief. Interviews are going very well. Hopefully end of next week I'll have a pretty clear idea which path I'm taking.

Higher Education Friends (what she said)

My two best friends from high school and I have remained close throughout college. All of us have changed and grown, but one has completely metamorphasized, without me. I am totally happy for her, and see and welcome the growth, but I wish she had shared more of it with me. Further, I really like this girl, I think it's great. When we reunite, it sometimes seems like she warns me about her changes, like I wouldn't accept or like them. That, in turn makes me feel like she doesn't know who ''I'' am at all. It's funny, we are all so close, but we underestimate the gaps of time when we're apart. Even in high school, we were inseperable yet complacent in our understandings of each other. We all are guilty of keeping people bounded by our outdated understanding of them. So here's to continuously researching, developing, and exploring our friendships, like we do during college... Make all your friends higher-ed friends.

I miss E-Liz Rothschild right now. I'm so happy that we had last summer, even though we may be different in a lot of ways, we connect mentally in many others. I think of all the times at UVA we could have spent together, instead of having deep convos on IM (porigami and dancegift) we could have had them face to face, at Mas, or Star Hill, Millers, Qdoba, Take it Away, downtown, or in the mountains.
Last summer was strange-I spent my time with random people, got closer to distant friends. With her, it was us testing our beliefs and our need to explain in precise detail every single aspect of life (as not to miss any part of the explainer's experience). It was sampling open bars and hookah joints, finding cheap food in the city, and walking hundreds of blocks...oh and sneaking into Columbia Internet Halls. Writing in journals, regrouping, aruging emotionally and causing scenes on 125th. Challenging ourselves to think more, cheap jewlry, and coaxing pale feet into flipflops... oh, and the beautiful artist at the exhibit in Tribecca. Everyone agreed he was perfect for me, love at 1st sight-you know I fall for artists. He didn't know my name...

There was Vern. Coolest guy, such good company, good chemistry, mama's boy. He was my personal HarlemLove tour guide. Every bar, every drink upwards 125th st. We were-find somewhere new to eat almost everyday because he doesn't own any pots/microwave, and end up at Den. I was- here's who I thought you were in college tho I never spoke to you, thanks for letting me crash, and he was- have you seen this show because I have 300,000 channels on my direct tv recorder thingy, you're very.... 'special'. Weird, fun, cozy and true friendship in short span of time.

There was Ruby, and there was Van. So impressed in the way we developed and maintained our active friendships, that began in 2003 with a 10 week life changing experience. We were- let's eat out once a week and live like sex and the city, and prepare ourselves for our cross atlantic moves to paris. Let's eat mr. frosty and talk about advertising while Ruby gets us tipsy at her bar. Let's let the bigger picture inspire us and help us find ourselves and relive MAIP for the rest of our days...meanwhile let's talk about boys.

There was Greg. He was- gorgeous. Not really a friend since we only chilled a couple of times. But yum- we could have...um, been close.

There was Tramaine and Sharik- just the tip of a relationship with both...she got me excited about London, he got me excited about life. We were- if only we were living in the same city at the same time. We were laughter and listening. He was- let me show you how much game I've got and you are one those girls whose clit is in her cerebrum. She was- girlll, you have to go to TopShop and call all my friends when you get to London-you'll love it.

i've got to give more than i'm giving...

oh how newness can fill us with false sense of purpose...

(September 2004)
I am in new skin-or maybe i just stepped out of the shower. i am porous, there is so much to take in. I'm overly sensitive, and it's beautiful- sensations come in the form of art, words, food- the sound of music- the eyes of a stranger. I would rather let it absorb and become a part of me than to wipe it away with that dingy towel...I'm constantly trying to articulate the experience i'm having, and I'm sure i will soon tire of writing about the same thing (but then, aren't we always). Recently I've been realising how lucky I am to have this year for further development. I think that's it, not so much london, definitely not the job or the program- but the TIME that i'm in awe with. Free time- protected by positioning and purpose. (well, it's not really free as I had to pay a program fee) It's early, but I think the unending sense of motivation I have is to somehow make up for all the wasted, abused, or misused time I let slip by me in Charlottesville for the past four years. No regrets about that though, just trying out time spent differently for a spell. I feel more human than I have in a while, letting myself be... affected. I'm learning every minute, and I am so lucky for the opportunity to really understand what that means... I like my job just fine, but every day there are subtle reminders that my world is so much bigger than this corporation. Almost everyday since I arrived here, there have been signs, symbols, people, and objects speaking to me and telling me that I am going very far away from this version of reality. That maybe I do have a calling, one that's yelling at me, barking at me. I need to pull out the earplugs. Or, better yet...just start listening.

is it inspiration if it doesn't move you?

There's a great pressure sitting on the top lefthand side of my brain. It is strong, but not sharp. It gnaws at the scalp, encouraging a daily acknowledgement that it's still there. Something in my stomach makes me aware of the fact that I could alleviate this force if I embraced it- allowed it to work on my soul. Instead, I only allow it to affect that topical spot it continuously pings at. What is that pressure? Could it be the impending big idea? The sense that creativity is just a sketchpad away? Is it that 'the answer' is behind a few more unopened doors? My daily brush off of these possibilities makes me wonder whether we can still call inspiration inspiration when it doesn't motivate you to do anything?

I'm feeling invigorated and inspired, but I can't possibly be, or I'd be willing to take the time to write down a complete thought. But I'm not willing.